~Yeah, well~
Thursday, May. 15, 2008, 11:13 p.m.

Jake and I played together underneath the stars tonight. I had a spectacular time. I suspect he enjoyed it too.
He is so good for my soul. I'd be lost without him. He understands me more then anyone else and he's three years old. He's altogether precious to me.He wraps his arm around my neck with a death grip of the likes no one has ever seen. Then he kisses me on the cheek just because. My children really are the loves of my life.

Including my foster children too. I've had sumil since he was a week old. I was the only one that visited him in the NICU. His mother was addicted to crack cocaine while she created him. which in turn made him addicted as well. For his first three weeks he was on anti seizure medicine Phenobarbital.
He would wake up in frenzys. The only thing that would settle him was if I'd put him over my heart skin to skin.
He and I did a whole lot of snuggle time. Sumil is part East Indian and part Native american. He has the most beautiful long eye lashes in the world.
He's seven months now, and he's leaving me soon. He wakes up about seven to eight times a night still. I wish I keep him till he was eighteen.

Then there's the three little brothers. Deandre, aaron and xandray. ages 2, 3 and 4. I was supposed to have them for two weeks. They've been here since Nov. Our time togfether began fairly quietly. They were all scared to death when they first came to me. Their parents left them at home for two weeks alone with barely any food. The parents decided to go on a holiday.They were all obese.
They all would eat until they were sick.
We had what can only be described as a short honeymoon period and then I learned that these three fellows had been burned by their parents with cigarettes. Hit, kicked etc. None of them came potty trained. Aaron was terrified to sit on the potty because he'd been beat by his parents for not going. These little guys have stretched me. They have some of the strangest behaviours. For instance, it doesn't matter how much you feed them they look at you like you are starving them. They horde food. They even steal bottles of formula from sumil. They bite they beat on each other (only because this is what's been done to them. When they first came to me none of them could look me in the eyes. Now two of them are potty trained. They all call me mom and mommy with pride in their eyes.They hug me they kiss me . They trust me. I feel protective of my guys. If I don't look out for these sweet little fellows no one's going to. They've all gotten better at talking. I have to constantly reassure them that this mom is coming back when I leave.
It really bothers me that people have children and do such atrocities to them. These guys have more emotional pain then most adults. I'm not even sure I can do a whole lot for them but it does put a smile on my face when I see their little faces light up when I wrap my arms around them.
I was only going to take in 6 to 10 year olds.

I'm so afraid that if I become blind I won't be able to be a foster mom anymore and it puts a permanant lump in my throat.

I can remember being in such a panic that if I were to die that my kids would have no one.
Especially after I managed to ruin all my chances with the one man I thought would fight for them and love them like he does his own. But I didn't die. And they still have me. And I'm a lot healthier because I know they needed me.I fought hard and here I am still.

I have tenacity. My older kids have no idea just how bad my eyes have gotten. They don't know that when they are at school I practice being blind by putting a bandana over my eyes and learning my way around. I even practice at night sometimes outside late at night. It's my hope that I can others from knowing I've gone blind. I think if I work hard I might be able to manage.
The not being able to drive is going to be a problem though.I'm really not sure how to get around this one as foster kids do need to be driven to appointments.Soon I won't be able to do that for them.

It's going to be hard. I'm probably going to do a whole lot of crying in the next while. But I can't let it swallow me whole this sadness. I have little people who need me. They depend on me.

Besides you know the saying,"that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Yeah, well I would like to slap the person that thought that one up. Just kidding. Maybe these things do make us stronger in the end.

~H~