~How Pathetic am I?~
Saturday, Jan. 19, 2008, 2:31 p.m.

A person could freeze ice on "SG's" ass now a days. The weird thing is that he's the one that screwed everything up, and yet he seems to be angry at me for the demise of our relationship.

"C's" no better. A person could freeze ice on his ass too. I wonder if forgiveness is an action that ever crosses the man's mind.

They're both bad news for me. Neither of them make me feel very good about myself.

I have this overwhelming desire to disappear. My disappearing always involves weight loss.
I'm not proud that I border on being eating disordered.
I read in a book that one of the top ten signs of having an eating disorder was if you would rather die then be fat. Sadly I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. I realize for me it's mostly about being in control. Especially when I feel like everything else in my life is out of my control. It makes me feel better to know I can lose weight and it's something I've almost perfected through the years.

It's almost become like a drug to me. It numbs the bad shit I've been feeling. It gives me something attainable. One of these times I feel it more and more, it's going to be out of my control and then what will I have left after?

I want to scream, but it evades me and instead I do an amazing disappearance act instead. It's my way of saying "Fuck you" to all the shit that is pissing me off these days.

How pathetic am I?
~H~

~H~

All I want is to live a normal existence without walls.